A Modest Proposal: Let Them Play!

Posted: September 27, 2011 in Football
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

This was basically what Romo was wearing.

Last night, the Washington Redskins and Dallas Cowboys had another installment in their storied rivalry in which the remarkably talented Cowboys won without being able to score a touchdown. They won on the strength of a player that should be playing soccer, and for that the Cowboys should be proud. However, an interview before the game got me thinking more deeply about the rivalry. This rivalry has seen some brutal times. For example, Deion Sanders once played with turf toe. Last night was no exception.

Tony Romo had suffered a broken rib that punctured his lung in the San Francisco game the week before. Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he wore a bullet-proof vest during the game so he could play despite his injury. This was the greatest innovation I’ve seen in football since the last time a quarterback used a bullet-proof vest. Really, why should unfitness to play prevent a player from playing? That’s an absurd suggestion in total contrast to our enlightened sense of entitlement to whatever we want that makes this country great. Instead, when a player is unable to play, he should be given every bit of technology necessary to get him on the field. After all, he’s being paid a lot of money to be out there.

And don’t say that he already has enough equipment on! Even healthy players wear shoulder pads, groin cups, etc. The unfortunate injured souls need more help to even the playing field with the rotten players with the nerve to remain healthy.

So What Do We Do?

The NFL’s willingness to change the rules every single year suggests they’d be open to some good ideas. Here are a few.

Problem: A player tears his LCL, MCL, or ACL, or breaks his leg, leaving him unable to move under his own power.
Solution: Give him alternative power. The player should be permitted to play with a scooter of some sort, probably a moped to assure he can move quickly enough.

Problem: A player suffers a shoulder or arm injury rendering him unable to make tackles.
Solution: The player should be given some form of weaponry, preferable a firearm, so that he has an alternative means to take down his opponents. This might seem dangerous, but keep in mind many of the players will be wearing bullet-proof vests due to torso-based injuries. The chances of serious injury from being shot is well within the realm of what I’d consider acceptable risk. If you disagree, keep in mind that if the tackled player gets shot in the leg, he can have a moped, too. Problem solved. Everybody’s happy.

Problem: A player suffers a concussion.
Solution: Besides the obvious need to double the time on the play clock in order to give a suffering player the chance to fully know the play being called, the player should be given an on-field escort to make sure he doesn’t get too confused. The escort can also serve to inform opposing players whether or not it would be fair to interfere with the concussed player at any given point in time.

Problem: A player suffers from all of these injuries simultaneously.
Solution: The player should be permitted to play by driving a tank. His escort could be responsible for the tank’s cannon.

Problem: A player is not talented enough to play professional football.
Solution: The opposing team should be required by rule to forfeit.

But What About the Children?

There are always alternatives

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not irresponsible when it comes to firearms. I know that kids shouldn’t have them. So, for high school and Pop Warner games, this won’t work. We’ll need to have something else in place. For games played with players over the age of 17, however, we clearly need to make this change. Heavens forbid Tony Romo not be allowed to play simply because he’s unfit to do so without being given an advantage.


If you disagree with me, you’re stupid.

Follow me on Twitter @MMADork
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