Fantasy Football Is Here!

Posted: September 4, 2012 in Fandom, Fantasy Football, Football, Washington Redskins
Tags: , , , , ,

And now, a stupid diversion.

I love football. It’s no MMA, but it’s pretty damn awesome. It’s the perfect sport for the American culture, which is why it’s surpassed baseball as America’s true pastime. I love watching preseason. The first quarter of the first couple of preseason games is always a great predictor of how well a team will do in the regular season. I also watch every regular season game I can, even if it has no direct impact on my Washington Redskins. (If you’re wondering why I call them, “my Washington Redskins,” it’s because the news media officially recognizes them as such.)

I’ve been in my fantasy football league, the DFFL, for 10 years or so. It’s a true keeper league. We draft players and sign them for up to 3 year contracts, securing them for the future. We get one franchise player per year, which allows us to keep that one player for up to 4 years before he goes back into the draft. I never have a Cowboy on my roster. NEVER! I’ve won the league a few times, and came in second a couple of others. I’m currently defending my #2 status in the league.

My team was originally named “Moesha’s Crew.” This was when Moesha, and Brandy Norwood for that matter, were still relevant. (If you don’t remember her, don’t worry about it.) Every year after the first couple, I’d create a press release to announce that my team had new ownership and was renamed accordingly. That process eventually evolved into the latest media disaster taking over the team by way of a drinking contest or other such event. The GM (me) would always express his frustration in the change of ownership.  Past owners have included Amy Winehouse, Lindsay Lohan, Snooki, Paris Hilton, and last year’s owners, the Kardashian sisters. This year, I used a Washington Post article and took a new slant on ownership, though depending on your political viewpoint, you might characterize the new owner as a “media disaster” as well. I’m not going to get into that. This is a sports blog.

by Fred Snerd, Washington Post

Manassas, Virginia – In a surprise move, Mitt Romney, the GOP candidate for President of the United States, has purchased the current #2 DFFL franchise from the Kardashian sisters. Asked to comment, the former governor of Massachusetts noted, “Hey, you might not have heard about this the first 1,000,000 times it was mentioned by me, but I have experience in sporting events. I saved the Olympics, and in turn, the United States of America. Taking over a football team makes perfect sense, especially considering its prior owners looted its assets, leaving it on the verge of bankruptcy. I can work with this . . . or fold it. I don’t care. I need to have something to do, because after November, I’m going to be unemployed again.”

It’s been widely speculated that the Kardashians were shopping the team to potential buyers on account of the fact that they now prefer to sleep with professional basketball players rather than professional football players. One source, speaking on condition of anonymity, opined, “Look, there are far fewer members of a basketball team than a football team, so there’s more money to throw around on salaries In short, the basketball players make more, and that’s all those whores want . . . as if they don’t have enough money from their dead daddy already. I don’t know how I can keep running this team with annual changes in ownership, but I’m optimistic the new Republican ownership might be a better fit for me. Don’t print that last part. I want to remain anonymous.”

When asked to comment, GM Robert E. Bodine, Esq., attorney-at-law, Republican shill, and evil overlord of the DFFL’s biggest failure, said, “Don’t print that last part. I want to remain anonymous.”

Anonymous indeed.

I present to you the roster for Romney’s Roughhousers. I’ve changed the line up since taking this screenshot, so there’s no need to tell me I need to make changes.

Follow me on Twitter @MMADork
Follow the Washington Redskins on Twitter @Redskins
Follow the NFL on Twitter @NFL

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